How are you not in prison?

This is probably the best example of why I never got promoted in the Army.

Some time after the incident where I almost died, I had a different kind of situation happen in the Operations Center.

We were just doing our thing, sitting around, waiting for something to happen. That was our job. Wait for something to happen, then deal with it quickly and efficiently.

I was at my desk, reading a book, when one of the heads of the OC walked up to me and said:

"SPC Grissom, I need you to get me a 'roll up' of all the 120mm mortar attacks. Thanks." Then, he turned around and started walking away.

This threw me off a little bit. Mostly because it was a very vague request, and he never really talked to me.

"Excuse me, sir, but I have some questions."

"Oh? Such as?"

        As I started asking questions, I had a hard time not giggling. You'll see why in a minute.

"Well, first off, from what area are you wanting this information?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you want info from around this base? Do you want it from Mosul? Tikrit? Baghdad? Basrah?"

"Oh, I see. Well, how about where ever your Brigade is located?" Just FYI, our Brigade was scattered all over the country.

"Oh, so the whole country, eh? Ok, What time frame are we looking at?"

"What do you mean?"  This man obviously hasn't thought about what he's been asking.

"Well, do you want the data from last week? 3 months ago? A three week period 4 years ago this August?"

"Oh, how about the whole time that you guys have been in Iraq?"

"So, 8 months? Alright, then. <stifled giggle> When do you want this information?"

"Oh, as soon as possible. I was hoping to get it in a couple of days."

"I see. Sir, go fuck yourself."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!?!?!?!"

"Now that I have your attention, you're going to listen to every word I have to say, aren't you?"

"You're damn right, son! You'd better have a good explanation for this."

And, here we go:

"Well, sir, there are several problems with your request. First of all, 120 mm mortar is one of the most widely used munitions on the planet. Did you want me to filter the results? German? Russian? Chinese? British? American? Japanese? You do know that they also use those things in IEDs, right? So, I would have to go through each instance to determine whether it's an indirect attack, or a cache, or an IED. 

As far as the area goes, you're asking for data from the ENTIRE Theater of Operations. We here in the "Base Defense Operations Center" only deal with our little slice of the war. Now, let's talk time frame. 8 months worth of data, huh? For the entire country? And you want it compiled and filtered in a couple days? By myself? Ok. Let's just, for the sake of argument, say that I can get all that done in a couple of days with no time off for sleeping or eating. Once you have this information, what are you going to do with it?"

Keep in mind, there are about 20 people of various ranks in the room watching this play-by-play. Sargeants, Specialists, Chief Warrant Officers, and several officers, as well. And they all have a look of utter disbelief on their faces. I've known several of these people for years, and they still can't believe that I'm actually challenging this guys authority.

"Well, we're going to sit down and figure out if it's a group of insurgents that are hitting Mosul one week, then going down and launching at Baghdad the next week, then Fallujah a couple weeks later...."

I interrupt him at this point. "Sir, don't you mean "I" (pointing at myself) would figure it out? I highly doubt you would sit down and do the analysis yourself. That's why you have lower enlisted personnel such as myself. I also understand that you're going to be leaving Iraq in 2 weeks, and would like to have something really nifty to show your superiors so you can get promoted. I can appreciate that, it wouldn't help me in the slightest. We're not in the same unit. And you couldn't promote me.

Also, you can't task me, officially, for intelligence data, being in a different unit. You'd have to go to your chain of command and ask them for the data. Then, their commander would have to talk to our commander and request the information. Our commander would task our intelligence personnel with the task, but we would tell him that it is out of our range of operations, and deny the request. Then, it would go back to your chain, then back to you. Which is why, I'm assuming, you came directly to me in the first place. Easier to walk 15 feet than to take the time and go through proper channels.

Now, there's something I want to tell you. What you have requested from me is a theater level intelligence request. 3rd Corps is currently in charge of the theater, and they have teams of analysts working around the clock figuring this kind of stuff out."

"Really? How many analysts?" 

"TEAMS!"

Some of the higher ranking individuals in the room are now trying to get my attention. Of course, I'm ignoring them. I'm not gonna bail out of this. I'm gonna stick it like Mary Lou Retton.

"However, sir, I do have an alternative. Remember those special mortars that get launched from the other side of the river? We have a "roll up" of that data, complete with analysis. I could get you that..."

Now, he's getting a little excited. "You have that information? Really?"

"Sir, what do you think our intelligence section does all day? Make coffee?

What I'll do for you, sir, is see if I can get you our analysis. I'll even pass along your crazy request."

"Okay. Thanks, Grissom. Oh, and I'm sorry for that whole thing. I guess I just didn't think it out before I asked."

I get up to leave and pass along the crazy request, and on the way out, the Chief Warrant stops me. "How the hell did you get him to apologize?"

"The army trained me, and pays me to be the smartest person in the room. Not a difficult task in THIS room"

I go over to our office, and on the way, I run into my direct supervisor, Dan. I inform him that I have a request for our Major, and I wanted to tell him myself. I also didn't want him thinking I was going over his head, so I invited him to come along with me.

We go into the office and talk to the Major. I tell him what happened, with no embellishment.

"You didn't just tell a Lieutenant Colonel to go fuck himself...."

"Yes, sir, I did. What should I tell him now?" Dan is now covering his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

"Well...... Tell him no.   IN THOSE WORDS. But, we can give him our Intel for the 'Fast Freddy'."

I make a hard copy of the data, and also put it on a flash drive, then headed back to the OC. When I got there, I knocked on the door, and requested permission to enter. The Colonel turns and looks at me like I have three heads. I have NEVER, before or after, knocked on an officer's door, and requested permission to enter. I just walk in. They're expecting me, anyway.

"Sir, I have that information you requested. The 'Fast Freddy' data, not the crazy request data." Then, I hand him the hard copy, and start giving a tutorial about using a flash drive.

"Here ya go, sir. I've got a hard copy for you, and a copy on this flash drive. What you do, is you take this thing, and stick it in the little slot on the side of your laptop..."

"Grissom, I know how a flash drive works."

"All due respect, sir, you just requested something completely asinine. I'm not taking any chances." I then proceeded to explain to him how to copy the file over to his desktop. When he was done, I told him, "Now, sir, we've already distributed that to Theater Command, so you won't be able to change it, put your name on it and take credit for it. I know that's what you were thinking."

As I was leaving, he says to me, "Specialist, just for future reference,  you probably don't want to tell a senior officer to go fuck himself. It could be detrimental to your career."

"Colonel, just for future reference, you probably want to think about what you're asking before you make an ass out of yourself in front of your subordinates"

And, I walked out and went back to my desk.