Bouncer

On a Friday night in Downtown Seattle, I was working as 1 of 4  bouncers at the J & M Cafe. KISS 106.1 was there to promote the bar, and their radio station, and had brought a DJ. Not a bad one, either. They play Top 40 music, which I usually don't like, but it was a good mix.

Anyway, I was working the door, checking IDs, when 5 guys stumbled up to the door. They all had just come from the Sounders game, and were a little drunk, as would be expected. Each looked to be about 40-45, but I asked for their ID anyway. Hey, it's my job. I card everyone.

The first 4 guys were no problem. They had Washington Driver's Licenses, paid their cover charge, and went inside. The 5th guy was a little bit of a.... problem

He's almost 7 feet tall, red hair, red beard, pretty muscular, and from Chile. That's right. The country of Chile. And that's the ID he handed me.

Me:  "I'm sorry, sir, but according to State Law, I can't accept this ID. Do you have your passport, or another form of ID issued by the US?"

Chilean Ginger:  "Why would I need that? Isn't this good enough?"

Me: No sir, it's not. I can only accept a valid ID issued by the US government, Military ID, state driver's license, merchant marine ID, or passport.

CG: What? You don't like people from other countries? What are you, a Racist?

Me: Sir, I'm not a racist. If you would calm down, I could talk to my boss, and see what we can do for you, as you came with 4 friends.

CH: Fuck that, you're gonna let me in.

Now, I'm a little pissed. You don't tell a bouncer what he's going to do. Ever. Especially one that is a member of the Seattle Goon Squad. We don't take kindly to that. Most of us will get physical, but I'm the Goon that gets in your head and Mind-fucks you.

Me: Sir, I was going to try and let you in, but now you're being an asshole. So, what I'm going to do now, is ask you to stand over there on that curb, and wait while I have someone find your friends, refund their money, and you can be on your way.

CG: No you're not. You're going to let me in. What are you going to do if I just walk right through you? (As he takes a step toward the door)

Me: (I put a hand on his chest and push him back Now, I'm starting to get really pissed, and I'm getting loud) I don't fucking think so. Look here, Gigantor, If you think you're going to get in here by going through me, I will climb you like a spider monkey and make the 'Squeal like a Pig' scene in Deliverance look like 'A Very Brady Christmas". Here are your options. A) You go over there and stand on that curb while we find your friends, and you go somewhere else. B) You lay on that curb, bleeding from several orifices and unconscious, while we find your friends, and they CARRY you somewhere else. Either way, you are not coming in my club. If you're going to treat the doorman with such disrespect, I can only imagine how you will treat my bartenders. Now get your big, dumb ginger ass over on that curb!!!

CG: ............ Fuck you man. (Walks over to the curb, and starts talking shit to the shoeshine guy, who immediately defends me.)


I didn't know this, but my boss was about 10 feet behind me when this all went down. He saw everything, and had already sent another bouncer to find the guys. One came up to me, looked at the guy on the curb, and said "Fuck him. We met him at the game, and he's an asshole."

To quote Michelle from Full House.... "You got it, Dude."

So, I went over to Gigantor, and calmly asked him to "get the fuck away from my bar."

CG: What about my friends?

Me: They don't want you here either. Go away.

I calmly went back to work, and with much grumbling, he left. I don't think that any of the other bouncers, especially my boss would have been able to handle the situation like that. It probably would have come to blows. I seem to have this talent to get people to calm down, and do as I tell them. But only in an official capacity. Doesn't seem to work in my personal life.

I'll have to work on that.....