Get the job done

Strippers

There are many things that happen to or around me in my line of work. I’m a bouncer.

I’ve left a few parts out, seeing as they don’t make the story any better or give you any insight into the actions of the evening.

A friend of mine came in one night with a friend of his. It just so happens that she is a stripper at a club in Seattle, is very hot and brought a hot friend with her. After they had been there a while, we were outside having a smoke. Holly (brunette) and Sarah (blonde) were talking about their various piercings. Holly decided to show Sarah her new one: She had her hood pierced. She just pulled down the front of her pants and showed Sarah. In turn, Sarah pulled her breast out, and proceeded to lick her nipple. She had a very nice bar through it.

Being the bouncer, I had to tell them to put it away. I didn’t want to, but it’s my job, after all. Very nice tits, by the way.

They went back inside, and my buddy and I talked.

Me:     “Dude, you gonna make this happen or what?”
Shawn:    “What are you talking about?”
Me:     “I’m talking about those two. You’d better include me in the deal, too. Hook a brotha up!!”
Shawn:    “You can have Sarah. I like Holly.”
Me:    “Very well. I’ll take one for the team. You’d better make it happen, though. I’ll be your wingman on this. Don’t make me take point. You know I’ll do it, too.”
Shawn:    “Yeah, I know. We’re hooking up an after hours at this other bar. You’re welcome to join us.”
Me:     “It’s on.”

I managed to get off early, and found out where the after hours was going to take place:
Another bar. Several of us showed up, and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on, so I just went with the flow. Holly wanted to jump into my arms in the parking lot for some reason, so I let her. I think that was one of the things that inured me to her. That, and I have VERY short hair, and she likes skinhead punk rock types. I was trying to keep Sarah’s attention, and blow off Holly, but it seemed like things were starting to work the opposite way. Oh, well. Either I be the wingman and hook up Shawn, or I don’t get any at all. I’m a philanthropist, after all.

We get to the door, and the owner opens up. I didn’t know he was the owner at the time, but soon found out when he introduced himself, and asked what we were drinking. Sign number one that this was gonna be a good time. There is nothing like being in a bar after hours and drinking the good stuff on the owner’s dime.

It takes less than 15 minutes for Holly and Sarah to start making out. Naturally, all four of us guys in the room break out our phones, and start taking pictures and video. The girls either didn’t mind, or they were getting turned on by 4 guys watching them dance and make out. Either way, we were enjoying it fully. I really got some good pictures and some good video.

However; when one of us would try to join in, they would push us away. Apparently, they just wanted to give us a show. For now.

After several minutes of this, they stopped making out, and came back to the bar. I had planted myself there, and kept serving everyone drinks. Ed (the owner) didn’t seem to mind, as I was pouring shots onto Sarah, and having anyone and everyone lick them off of her. I’m such an instigator.

Suddenly, Holly decided that she had enough of being naked, and put her clothes back on. Sarah was having too much fun being naked, and decided to get everyone else’s clothes off. I waited patiently behind the bar while the girls stripped off everyone else’s clothes.

Holly came behind the bar and told me that clothes weren’t allowed. I said, “Look who’s talking!” We made a deal. She’d take my clothes off, and then I’d take hers off. (Like there’s going to be a loser in this deal!) So, she slowly took my clothes off, and then stood still while I took hers off. At this point, Shawn is positively glaring at me. I can tell what he’s thinking: “Dude, back off! I told you that I like her!” That’s what his eyes seemed to say, anyway. So, I went back to tending bar. Naked. I will say that when my clothes were taken off of me, I did the typical preemptive explanation. “It’s a grower, not a show-er.”

Sarah ended up coming back behind the bar a little later, and she seemed interested in me, so I started putting my hands on her, and trying to put my fingers IN her. I wasn’t intrusive with it, but I did give her the option to refuse, which she did by moving away. No biggie. I’ve been rejected before. However, I already had the feeling that this night was going to end up as a story to tell.

We were drinking and carousing for a couple of hours that night. Sarah and I danced and made out on the dance floor, Holly was talking with Shawn, the other guys were bullshitting about owning a business and being in a band, etc.

Eventually, the night wore on, and Holly came behind the bar, grabbed me by the hand and told me to follow her. She took me to the kitchen pointed at my dick and said, “Make that hard. I want to see how big it is.”

Me:    You make it hard.
Holly:    If you have a big enough dick, you’ll probably end up with BOTH of us tonight.
Me:    I’m already gonna end up with both of you!
Holly:     Well, how big is it?
Me:    How big is your mouth?

She opened her mouth as wide as she could. To which, I said, “Yeah, I guess it’ll fit.”

Right there, she grabbed my head, and started making out with me. Hard. I pulled back, and asked, sarcastically, “What? Do you just wanna get it on right here on the prep table?” Then Ed walked in. He was just checking around to see where everyone was. After he left, Holly grabbed me and started kissing me again. Then Shawn walked in. He was, to put it mildly….. Pissed off.

Holly and I came back out to the bar, and I talked to Shawn. I explained to him that I had already told him that if he couldn’t pull the trigger, I would, and that’s what I did. I was going to try and get him included in the deal, but it didn’t look like that was going to happen. It especially wouldn’t happen if he was going to act like a jealous boyfriend, which he wasn’t.

The night calmed down considerably after that, and we all ended up getting our clothes back on and leaving. Shawn was giving them a ride home, and Sarah told me to follow them. Apparently, he didn’t realize that I was following them, and he took a route back to Holly’s apartment that was about 4 miles long, and was driving about 60 miles per hour in downtown Seattle. Holly lives 4 blocks from the bar we were at.

We got there, and it was apparent that Holly was not having Shawn anywhere in her place, and I had to calm everyone down. I gave Sarah my card, and told her to call me in about 10 minutes so I could get rid of Shawn. He didn’t seem to want to go home. Holly called me on her phone, and said that she was coming down to get me. She did, and I apologized to Shawn. I know it was cold of me, but that kind of thing has happened to ME before. It’s not like we really have control of other people, and who they want to fuck.

We got upstairs, and I lit up a smoke out the window, as Holly doesn’t want the smoke in her place. I’m a gracious guest. When I finished my smoke, I went to the bathroom. When I came back out, Sarah and Holly were making out. “Game On!” I thought. When things like this happen, there really isn’t a way to describe the specifics. There are too many variables, too many things happening at once and it all just becomes a big blur. Here are some things that I do remember, though (not in any particular order):

·    Holly going down on Sarah and me licking her asshole.
·    Holly handcuffing Sarah’s arms behind her legs, shackling her ankles together, and me going down on her.
·    Fucking Sarah’s face while she was wearing a blindfold.
·    Fucking Holly in the ass.
·    Both girls sucking my dick.
·    Sarah lying on top of Holly, and Holly leaning around Sarah’s head and saying to me, “I want you to fuck her like you hate her.”

About that time, my heart started acting up. I was getting short of breath, and my heart rate increased. Great. Another mini-heart attack during sex. I apologized to both girls, and let them know that I needed to get home and take my medication. They both started talking shit, but not seriously. I drove home, furious with my heart for keeping me from finishing one of the greatest sex stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of being involved in.

To top it all off:     I never finished.

Dollar Store Adventures

For about a year, I worked at a Dollar Store in Union Gap. I started working there because a guy I met at the Denny’s near there was the manager of the place, and he needed some help. So, I filled out an application, and started work almost immediately.

I started as a cashier, and eventually worked my way up to Assistant Manager. Not a bad gig, I guess.

I met so many people working there. Some were good, some were bad. But there were a couple of people that I met that really stuck in my head.

While working at the cashier, a Hispanic man walked in and said hello. I had a long line of customers, so I only gave him a nod, and continued working. This man walked to the food aisle, picked out the biggest box of Corn Flakes that we had, and got in line. He waited at least 15 minutes to get to me.

Once he got to the counter, he asked me, “Quanto?”, which means “How much?”. “Un dolar.”, I replied. “Gracias”.

He then went back to the food aisle, put the box of Corn Flakes back on the shelf, said “Adios” on his way past me, and left.

So, let’s get this straight. A man walked into the DOLLAR STORE, got a box of corn flakes, waited in line to ask how much it was, and then left. The only thought that went through my head was, “Is this a joke? Did this guy just do that on a dare or something?”

Another day, I was outside smoking a cigarette. A man and his wife pulled up in a ’53 Rambler. She got out of the car, and walked into the store. The man got out of the car, sat on the hood and said, “So, the wife’s mother has to go to the hospital again.”

“Excuse me?”

He repeated himself, and continued on, explaining current events in his life. We had a very in-depth conversation about the state of medicine, and how much it sucks to have a family member in the hospital. We ended up chatting for about 20 minutes, then his wife came out of the store.

"Time to go, I guess."
“Well, see you later Ray.”

“See you later, Jim.”

He and his wife got in the car and started to drive off. While they were backing out, I could tell what they were saying to each other. She asked him who I was, and he told her. She then asked how he knew me, and he paused. For a full minute. He even stopped the car.

He looked at me, looked at her, then back at me. Shook his head, said, “You know what? I really don’t know.”, and they drove off together.

We had talked to each other that long, as if we were old friends. And we had never met. That sort of thing used to happen to me all the time.

The Pamper Night

The names in this story have been changed to protect the guilty. But, if they happen to read this, they will know that it's them....

So, I was sitting at a restaurant one night with a couple friends of mine, Carla and Darlene. It was a typical night for us. Just sitting around, drinking coffee and people watching.

This particular night, Carla and Darlene were complaining about their respective boyfriends. Things like “he doesn’t do THIS for me anymore”, or “he never shows me he cares anymore”, or “when we have sex, he just gets off, and goes to sleep. There’s no romance anymore.” Things like that. Basically, their self esteem was low.

I suggested that they needed to have a “Pamper Night”. I told them they needed to find some random guy that they would basically be at their beck and call for a night. A guy that would feed them grapes, massage their feet, change the channel on the T.V., etc, anything they wanted.

They agreed that it was a good idea, but couldn’t think of who they would get to do that for them. Of course, being the guy that I am, I volunteered. Not, as you would expect, to get laid, but because I had two friends that needed something, and I had the ability to provide it for them. I’m a philanthropist like that. At first, they didn’t trust me, but after a little while, I had convinced them that I was just doing it to be a good friend.

I can tell, my fair reader, that at this point, you don't believe me either. Well, I'll tell you the truth. I really didn't do it because I was trying to get laid. I was just going to hang out, do little menial tasks they wanted, and help two friends of mine to feel better about themselves.

About this time, the idea is in their heads, and they’re planning and scheming. “When can we do this?” “Well, my boyfriend is gone for the weekend, we can do it tonight. Let’s go to my place”

You got it, ladies.

We get to the house, and I stand at the threshold, waiting for instruction. “What are you doing?” “I’m just waiting for you to tell me what to do.” Apparently, they were still wary of my intentions. So, to prove it, I told Carla to give me an order, and I’d obey. She told me to stand on one leg, so I did. I stood there silently for 5 minutes before they finally started trusting me.

Me: So what now?
Carla: Well, I like the idea of someone feeding me grapes. Go get some.
Darlene: Yeah, I like that too.
Me: Ok, I’ll be back.

Mind you, this is about 11:30. I head to the grocery store, and get the biggest bag of grapes I can find, and that’s all. The cashier looked at me, looked at the grapes, looked at me… “Just take them, dude. You seem like you’re going to be having one hell of a night.” Thanks, big guy. I am.

I get back to the house, and I can’t find the girls. I hear from the bedroom, “Go ahead and chill for a minute, we’ll be right out.” So, I go into the kitchen, wash the grapes, and make up two bowls, one for each of them. I go back into the living room, and set up. A bowl of grapes for each, an ashtray for each and a glass of water for each. I’m thoughtful like that.

They come out of the bedroom, both dressed in black teddies. “Gorgeous”, I say, as they take opposite ends of the couch. I sit on the floor in front and between them.

“Here we are. If you want a grape, say grape. If you need an ashtray, say flick. If you want water, say water. Simple.” I know that I’m supposed to be the submissive, but someone has to set some ground rules.

We sit like that for a while, talking about whatever. The latest T.V. shows, our college classes, being in the drama department, etc. I’m multitasking like a pro. Grape, flick, water. Darlene disappears for a little bit, and comes back with her hands behind her back. “Hold out your hands.” I do, and she places a feather in one hand, and a small whip in the other. “The feather is for Carla. Tickle her with it when you feel like it. The whip is for me. Hit me with it at random times. That’s how I like it.”

As you wish. I am your servant.

So, I’m multitasking like a pro even more. Grape, flick, water, tickle, grape, water, WHACK!!. They’re loving it.

Darlene then tells me, “I bought my boyfriend something, and he won’t ever wear it. I want you to wear it. You’re about the same size, so it should fit.” She goes into the bedroom, and comes back with a small box, about 7 inches wide on a side. This ought to be interesting. I turns out that the object that she bought was as such: A vinyl, fur lined speedo with suspenders, plastic gold chains across the front, and a little red Velcro bow tie. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to wear it.

Before I come out of the bathroom, I make them promise not to laugh. I look ridiculous. I’d better be getting laid for this. When I walk out, Carla says, “Damn! Did basic training do that to you?” “Do what?” “You’re hot!!!!” Mind you, when I went to basic, I was 6 feet tall, and 143 pounds. I was thin as a rail. When I got back, I weighed 190, and actually had muscles.

I continue the pampering. Grape, flick, WHACK, water, flick, grape, tickle, WHACK. Etc.

Suddenly, Carla says, “I could use a massage.” Darlene agrees. They didn't want to lay on the floor, so we move to the bedroom.

They lay side by side, face down, with me kneeling between them. Darlene on my left, and Carla on my right. Since they wanted massages at the same time, I had to rub them both with one hand each. Darlene wanted a deeper massage, and Carla just wanted a light rub. I started at their feet, up each of their legs, along their asses, up their back to their shoulders. I even massaged their heads. If you've ever tried to massage with two different pressures at the same time, you understand how difficult this is. I'm totally concentrating on my work.

As if there was a signal, they both flipped over onto their backs at the same time. Again, I started at their feet, worked up their legs, hips, stomachs, arms and necks. As soon as I finish massaging, they both asked why I avoided their naughty parts. “Well, I’m still at your command, and you haven’t told me to do anything dirty.”

I am the ESSENCE of game at this point. They both want the FULL massage, so I happily oblige, and massage their breasts and between their legs.

Here’s where it gets REALLY interesting.

Darlene gets up, turns off the lights, and ties Carla to the bed. Once she’s tied up and blindfolded, Darlene goes down on her like she’s looking for the Lost Treasure of the Sierra Madre. I’m standing to the side, watching this whole thing. That’s all, just watching. Somehow, Carla’s blindfold comes off, and she notices me standing to the side. “What are you doing over there?” “Nothing, until you tell me otherwise.” I’m still playing the game. “Well, get over here, and get involved!”

So, I do.

I take Darlene’s place, and go down on Carla. She tastes soooooo good. I’d been wanting her ever since I met her, and now I’m having her. I’m going to make every moment of this count. If ever there was an instance in my life where I really took the time to eat a pussy right, it was this moment. I took my time. I explored every bit of it.

Darlene unties Carla, and suddenly, she gets in this mood to be a director of a porn. She has me lay on the bed, and makes Darlene suck my dick. She is rather talented. All the while, I still have the feather in one hand, and am tickling Carla with it. She has the whip now, and is occasionally hitting Darlene with it.

Darlene gets up to get a condom, and Carla comes over, and sucks my dick. She has got some real talent. Not only does she use her hands in just the right way, but she doesn't seem to have a gag reflex. Darlene joins in.

Gentlemen, if you've never had the pleasure of two women sucking your dick, I highly recommend it.

They put the condom on me, and Darlene rides me like her life depends on it. The whole time, Carla is giving directions, and hitting Darlene with the whip. I had been, well, warned about Darlene before. When she orgasms, there are no peaks and valleys. She plateaus, rises, plateaus, and so on until the act is finished.

Carla gets on the bed to the right of me, and continues to hit Darlene with the whip. She alternates between kissing me, and licking or caressing Darlene's breasts. I relinquish the feather, and slip my hand between Carla's legs, sliding my fingers inside of her. I thrust with my fingers and my cock at the same time, and both women moan with pleasure. I continue this way, alternating between them, until all three of us climax at the same time.

Exhausted, we collapse on the bed together, and silently fall asleep. Darlene has her head on my left shoulder, and Carla is on my right. Up to that moment, I had never felt as content in my life. I have done a good deed, and had my first threesome in the process. I feel like a god.

I wake up in the morning to the sound of someone rummaging through the closet. I peek out from under the covers, and notice that it’s Darlene’s boyfriend’s MOTHER looking for something in the closet. I quietly, put the covers back over my head, and try to stay as silent as possible.

She leaves, and I get out of bed. I don't think she noticed that I was there. I don't know how. The girls are nowhere to be found in the house. They’ve both left, and I don’t know where they’ve gone. I’m still wearing the suspenders and the bow tie. And the condom.

Quickly, I change back into my clothes, get into my car, and head home. My dad asked me where I had been all night. I didn't tell him. We mad a pact.

They never talked about it at all, and I never said anything to anyone. Until now…. I figure 15 years is long enough to keep this secret.

The 4 Way

The names in this story have been changed to protect the guilty. But, if they happen to read this, they will know that it's them....

I was seeing a girl named “Janine”. “Janine” has BI tendencies, and had a friend named “Christine”. “Christine” has a girlfriend named “Patricia”.

“Janine” called me one night to let me know that she bought a bunch of new outfits from Victoria's Secret, and had told “Christine” about them. Of course, “Christine” wanted to see them, as she and “Janine” had messed around before. She wanted “Janine” to come over and put on a show for her and “Patricia”. “Janine” wasn't entirely comfortable with it, as she was with me, and didn't know if that was kosher. (Although, she was married at the time, getting a divorce, and I refused to acknowledge that we were together, just that we were sleeping together.)

So, as “Janine” put it, “Christine” puts the phone down, talks to “Patricia” for a minute, then comes back on and says, "You can bring Ray...". So, naturally, she calls me to ask what I think. My first reaction was that all it was going to be was a little fashion show, and if anything happened, I wasn't really going to be involved, as “Christine” and “Patricia” are mostly gay. So, I asked for clarification. “Janine”'s words to me were as such: "“Christine” and “Patricia” are inviting us to come over this weekend, have me put on my new outfits, drink a bit and get naked with them." I agreed.

So, as it stands, I was invited to a 4-some with three women. I rock.

“Patricia” wanted to meet me first, to make sure that I might be someone she wanted to invite into her bed. Understandable. We went to drinks that Saturday, and had a good time. “Patricia” seemed very reserved and quiet, so I wasn't sure if she would be into me. Of course, 7 drinks later, we're all laughing and having a good time, so I'm in.

We set up for about 2 weeks later, on a Saturday night, since they both work a lot. “Janine” decides to bring her PS3, and a few karaoke games, since we're all karaoke junkies. We show up at their house, set up the game console, and start drinking and singing. We all seem to be having a good time, “Janine”'s changing outfits ever so often, and each one is better than the last. The mood, however, doesn't seem to be leaning toward nookie. “Patricia” isn't talking that much, and again, doesn't seem that into me. “Christine” ends up jumping on “Janine” and making out with her for a minute or two here and there.

It was getting pretty late, and I was just about to give up hope. “Janine” and “Christine” were having fun, but it seemed like “Patricia” and I were only spectators. So, I decided to go have a cigarette, and figure out if we were going to go home, or if we were just going to crash from drinking too much. On my way out to the back porch, I passed by “Patricia” coming out of the bathroom. I stopped, looked at her, moved over and planted a kiss on her. When she returned the kiss, and wrapped her arms around my neck, I knew it was on.

Now, I have no game, mind you. I never know what the hell I'm doing. I just sort of make shit up as I go along, and see how well it works out. Many times, it works out for the best.

After the kiss, I went to smoke. I was only out there for about 5 minutes. When I came back in, nobody was in the living room, the stereo speakers had been moved toward the bedroom, some techno was playing and I couldn't find the girls. Figuring they were off talking or something, I made another drink and sat down to see what other games we had brought.

Just then, “Christine” comes into the living room and says, "We're back here, are you coming?" I get up, and go to the bedroom. No sooner do I enter, than “Christine” puts some porno on the TV that we don't even watch. Just for background noise, I guess. “Patricia” lies down on the bed, and “Christine” climbs on top of her and starts caressing her. I don't know where “Janine” is, and frankly, I don't care. I've HAD her. This was someone new. I lie down beside them, and start kissing “Patricia”. “Janine” comes in and says, "Started without me, eh?" She gets on the bed behind “Christine”, and starts kissing her neck.

Now, most of the rest of the night is a bit of a blur. I don't remember exact sequences, but I do remember bits and pieces:

·        “Janine” going down on “Patricia” whilst “Christine” is on top of me, fucking away.

·        “Patricia” going down on “Christine” whilst “Janine” is going down on me.

·        “Christine” fucking “Patricia” with a giant strap on while I'm eating her out from below.

Various things like that. At one point, “Christine” breaks out this little bottle of something she calls "Rush". I don't know what it is, but it gives you the same body high as doing X, but doesn't last that long. You don't drink it, you smell it.

Now, this vision will forever be burned into my brain:

I'm standing near the end of the bed, porn playing on the shitty TV, bottle of "Rush" in my hand. I take a sniff, and look down. All three women are sucking my dick at the same time. I can't put into words the emotional, physical or psychological JOY that I felt at that exact moment.

We continue to suck, fuck and fondle for a couple of hours, and I end up fucking “Patricia” and cumming. (Finally). I took a couple minutes, went to the bathroom, and had a smoke, naked on the back porch. It was snowing. LOL

When I get back, “Christine” throws me on the bed, and starts giving me head again. Only this time, she's got her finger in my ass. I know, graphic, but you wanted to know the details. This went on for about 30 more minutes, and we all collapsed into a big pile of flesh. I got up, had a smoke, came back, and “Patricia” and “Christine” were already asleep. “Janine” called me from the guest bedroom, so I went in there. Just before we went to sleep, I fucked her, and we pass out.

The next day, we all went to breakfast together, and then “Janine” and I went back home.

That was possibly the most awkward breakfast I have ever had. Mostly, it was because we were in public, and I keep having visions of these three women naked.

Drinking with Goons

Have you ever went drinking with a couple friends that obviously can out drink you, even on your best day? Well, it's happened to me a couple times, and this is the story of one of those times.

Myself, Kevin, Jay and Ryan finished up a solar job in less than a day. We thought it was going to take about 3 days to do, but we busted our asses and got finished early.

After work, we went to our local bar for some drinks to wind down. Turns out, we were just winding up.

We started off by just having a couple of beers. That's all we were gonna have. Then, someone starts buying shots. And by someone, I mean everyone. Not including me, because I haven't gotten paid yet. We started doing shots of Fireball Whiskey, then shots of Jameson, then Wild Turkey.

Suddenly, Ryan has the bright idea that we should all go downtown and party, since we got paid, and we don't have to work in the morning. Great idea.

We all head to our apartment (mine and Ryan's), to shower and get changed to go out, as none of us has showered yet. Ryan is taking forever, so he says he'll just meet us downtown. We get in a cab, and head to Pioneer Square. I'm pretty sozzled by this point, and we haven't even started yet.

We started off by hitting the J&M Cafe. A shot or two there.

Then, we go to the Central Saloon. We each have a double Jameson there.

Then, we go to the Firehouse, get some food, and have another couple shots.

This is just the first hour. Now, I'm wasted, and so are my Jay and Kevin, but they're handing it better than I. We were about to head into a club, when some guy walking past me says something about my shirt. It's a nice summer evening, so I'm not wearing a jacket, and I'm also wearing an ARMY t-shirt. This guy was apparently in the army. So, he says to me, "Army, huh? You know you shouldn't be drunk in public in the army, right?"

"Dude, I'm rocking a ginger beard that is obviously manicured, and has also taken obviously more than a couple days to grow. I'm not in the Army anymore. But thanks for the advice, Staff Sargent."

"How did you know my rank?"

"Only a newly promoted Staff Sargent would correct someone on their outfit. AR 670-1. I remember. Now fuck off."

At which point, Jay notices that I'm having an issue with someone, and that guy is walking away, obviously pissed off. His friends are trying to convince him to let it go. But he doesn't want to. Jay asks me if there's an issue, because he's in the mood to fight someone. I tell him it's cool, and we head toward the club.

Still no Ryan.

Outside, we meet another Goon, Shawn, who is the head bouncer at the club. Jay and Kev are bullshitting with him, and suddenly, I have the need to get home. I'm so drunk, that I don't even bother telling them I'm heading back, and start walking.

It's 6 miles back to West Seattle, and I'm determined to walk back. Alone. With no jacket.

So, I start down 1st Ave, posting on Facebook on my phone during the walk. This was not a good night for me to be drunk and unsupervised. As I was walking, stumbling actually, people crossed the street to avoid me. I don't know why. It's not like I was going to rob them. I even sat down near Studio 7, and took a nap on the sidewalk for about 10 minutes.

That's right. I was so drunk, I took a nap on the sidewalk. Not my proudest moment.

I walked all the way down 1st Ave to the West Seattle Bridge. I walked under the bridge, over the lower bridge, and arrived at the Chelan Cafe. On the way, my friend Krista got a hold of me, and came to get me. She bought me a couple Jager shots at the Chelan, then gave me a ride home.

I was home for a couple hours, passed out on the couch, when Jay and Kev got back. Still no Ryan. Jay crashed on the other couch, Kev slept in my bed, and I was still passed out on the love seat.

When we woke up the next day, there was still no Ryan. Turns out he bailed on us to go hang out with some chick. Thanks, buddy. It was your idea to go out to Pioneer Square in the first place.

The fun part is, I wasn't even hung over the next day.

I was still drunk. For the entire day. I was hung over, the NEXT day. That sucked.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel

Someone asked me tonight about death.

Well, I have died a couple of times. I know what you're thinking. No, it's not just a delusion. I actually died.

Here's what happened...


When I went to basic training, I was a pansy. Really. I weighed 143 pounds at 6 feet tall. I took my first physical fitness test about a week into it. I could only do 11 push ups, 25 situps, and run 2 miles in 25 minutes. If you think that's not so bad, do 10 pushups. See how long it takes you.

I'll wait.

Didn't take very long, didn't it? It took me all two minutes to do 11. I tried to do another one, but my arms gave out, and I hit my face on the ground.

Anyway, to the point of my story.

One day, we were in the classroom doing an inventory of our gear, and also cleaning it. Since it wasn't instruction or physical training, people were talking. A lot. And loudly. Our Drill Sargent warned us to keep it down. He didn't care that we were talking. He just didn't want to have to yell over the crowd.

Finally, he had had enough of the noise, and told everyone to get outside. We all got up, and went outside. He ended up taking us to "The Pit". Every basic training has something like this. Ours was a 75 foot long by 45 foot wide shed that was only open on one end. The floor of this shack was 3 inches of loose dirt and bark.

If they wanted to punish us, they took us out to The Pit, and made us work out. Push ups, sit ups, running in place, other various exercises. When you get 50 people running in place in the dust, and there's very little ventilation, it tends to get difficult to breathe, which was the case on this day.

We were doing crab walks, bear crawls, etc. The dust got so thick that you couldn't even see past the doorway. I could barely breathe, and was already exhausted from the exercises, that I started feeling pretty woozy. Our DI (drill instructor) saw that I was having problems, and called us into formation. I tried to get up, but my arms were jelly. So, I rolled over, and tried to get up, but I couldn't. One of my friends grabbed my hand, and helped me up.

I fell into formation right in front of our DI, and did my best to keep standing. He told us to go upstairs, get cleaned up and come back to the classroom.

When I got upstairs, I went into the bathroom to wash up, when suddenly, my vision started closing in. Yup. I'm gonna pass out. So, I grabbed the sink, to try and hold on to some sort of reality, but to no avail. I remember it going black, and then nothing.

I came to on my bunk, and bolt upright, breathing heavily. There were several people around me, a couple of which seemed completely terrified.

I asked them what happened, and they pieced it all together for me. Apparently, I had stopped breathing because of all the dust in my lungs, and passed out in the bathroom. I hit the back of my head on the tile floor because I fell straight backward. This could have been a contributing factor to what is next.

I stopped breathing all together.

For 10 minutes.

I know you probably think I'm full of shit, but that's what they told me. They tried doing rescue breathing on me, and an ambulance was on the way. However, after that long, the rescue breathing just isn't going to work. So, they were basically just waiting for the ambulance to take me to the hospital and declare me dead.

That's when I sat up in bed, and scared the shit out of them. The paramedics got there, checked me out, and said that they didn't hear anything wrong with my lungs. I had a slight concussion from hitting my head on the tile, but other than that and being disoriented, I was in good condition.

So, I went back downstairs like nothing happened. I ended being one of 5 people who got promoted at the end of Basic, and the DIs told me that because of my help, my platoon was "Honor Platoon" in the company. Which, in turn, made us "Honor Company", which also in turn, made us "Honor Battalion". I also had the best run improvement time they had ever seen. I went from running 2 miles in 25 minutes, to 13 1/2. Not bad, eh? I couldn't do it again, mostly because I smoke.

Anyway, the point I that I'm making, I think, is that I didn't see anything when I was "dead". No tunnel, no light, no choir of angels, no burning inferno, no blackness, no heaven, no hell. Nothing. Is that weird?

How are you not in prison?

This is probably the best example of why I never got promoted in the Army.

Some time after the incident where I almost died, I had a different kind of situation happen in the Operations Center.

We were just doing our thing, sitting around, waiting for something to happen. That was our job. Wait for something to happen, then deal with it quickly and efficiently.

I was at my desk, reading a book, when one of the heads of the OC walked up to me and said:

"SPC Grissom, I need you to get me a 'roll up' of all the 120mm mortar attacks. Thanks." Then, he turned around and started walking away.

This threw me off a little bit. Mostly because it was a very vague request, and he never really talked to me.

"Excuse me, sir, but I have some questions."

"Oh? Such as?"

        As I started asking questions, I had a hard time not giggling. You'll see why in a minute.

"Well, first off, from what area are you wanting this information?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you want info from around this base? Do you want it from Mosul? Tikrit? Baghdad? Basrah?"

"Oh, I see. Well, how about where ever your Brigade is located?" Just FYI, our Brigade was scattered all over the country.

"Oh, so the whole country, eh? Ok, What time frame are we looking at?"

"What do you mean?"  This man obviously hasn't thought about what he's been asking.

"Well, do you want the data from last week? 3 months ago? A three week period 4 years ago this August?"

"Oh, how about the whole time that you guys have been in Iraq?"

"So, 8 months? Alright, then. <stifled giggle> When do you want this information?"

"Oh, as soon as possible. I was hoping to get it in a couple of days."

"I see. Sir, go fuck yourself."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!?!?!?!"

"Now that I have your attention, you're going to listen to every word I have to say, aren't you?"

"You're damn right, son! You'd better have a good explanation for this."

And, here we go:

"Well, sir, there are several problems with your request. First of all, 120 mm mortar is one of the most widely used munitions on the planet. Did you want me to filter the results? German? Russian? Chinese? British? American? Japanese? You do know that they also use those things in IEDs, right? So, I would have to go through each instance to determine whether it's an indirect attack, or a cache, or an IED. 

As far as the area goes, you're asking for data from the ENTIRE Theater of Operations. We here in the "Base Defense Operations Center" only deal with our little slice of the war. Now, let's talk time frame. 8 months worth of data, huh? For the entire country? And you want it compiled and filtered in a couple days? By myself? Ok. Let's just, for the sake of argument, say that I can get all that done in a couple of days with no time off for sleeping or eating. Once you have this information, what are you going to do with it?"

Keep in mind, there are about 20 people of various ranks in the room watching this play-by-play. Sargeants, Specialists, Chief Warrant Officers, and several officers, as well. And they all have a look of utter disbelief on their faces. I've known several of these people for years, and they still can't believe that I'm actually challenging this guys authority.

"Well, we're going to sit down and figure out if it's a group of insurgents that are hitting Mosul one week, then going down and launching at Baghdad the next week, then Fallujah a couple weeks later...."

I interrupt him at this point. "Sir, don't you mean "I" (pointing at myself) would figure it out? I highly doubt you would sit down and do the analysis yourself. That's why you have lower enlisted personnel such as myself. I also understand that you're going to be leaving Iraq in 2 weeks, and would like to have something really nifty to show your superiors so you can get promoted. I can appreciate that, it wouldn't help me in the slightest. We're not in the same unit. And you couldn't promote me.

Also, you can't task me, officially, for intelligence data, being in a different unit. You'd have to go to your chain of command and ask them for the data. Then, their commander would have to talk to our commander and request the information. Our commander would task our intelligence personnel with the task, but we would tell him that it is out of our range of operations, and deny the request. Then, it would go back to your chain, then back to you. Which is why, I'm assuming, you came directly to me in the first place. Easier to walk 15 feet than to take the time and go through proper channels.

Now, there's something I want to tell you. What you have requested from me is a theater level intelligence request. 3rd Corps is currently in charge of the theater, and they have teams of analysts working around the clock figuring this kind of stuff out."

"Really? How many analysts?" 

"TEAMS!"

Some of the higher ranking individuals in the room are now trying to get my attention. Of course, I'm ignoring them. I'm not gonna bail out of this. I'm gonna stick it like Mary Lou Retton.

"However, sir, I do have an alternative. Remember those special mortars that get launched from the other side of the river? We have a "roll up" of that data, complete with analysis. I could get you that..."

Now, he's getting a little excited. "You have that information? Really?"

"Sir, what do you think our intelligence section does all day? Make coffee?

What I'll do for you, sir, is see if I can get you our analysis. I'll even pass along your crazy request."

"Okay. Thanks, Grissom. Oh, and I'm sorry for that whole thing. I guess I just didn't think it out before I asked."

I get up to leave and pass along the crazy request, and on the way out, the Chief Warrant stops me. "How the hell did you get him to apologize?"

"The army trained me, and pays me to be the smartest person in the room. Not a difficult task in THIS room"

I go over to our office, and on the way, I run into my direct supervisor, Dan. I inform him that I have a request for our Major, and I wanted to tell him myself. I also didn't want him thinking I was going over his head, so I invited him to come along with me.

We go into the office and talk to the Major. I tell him what happened, with no embellishment.

"You didn't just tell a Lieutenant Colonel to go fuck himself...."

"Yes, sir, I did. What should I tell him now?" Dan is now covering his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

"Well...... Tell him no.   IN THOSE WORDS. But, we can give him our Intel for the 'Fast Freddy'."

I make a hard copy of the data, and also put it on a flash drive, then headed back to the OC. When I got there, I knocked on the door, and requested permission to enter. The Colonel turns and looks at me like I have three heads. I have NEVER, before or after, knocked on an officer's door, and requested permission to enter. I just walk in. They're expecting me, anyway.

"Sir, I have that information you requested. The 'Fast Freddy' data, not the crazy request data." Then, I hand him the hard copy, and start giving a tutorial about using a flash drive.

"Here ya go, sir. I've got a hard copy for you, and a copy on this flash drive. What you do, is you take this thing, and stick it in the little slot on the side of your laptop..."

"Grissom, I know how a flash drive works."

"All due respect, sir, you just requested something completely asinine. I'm not taking any chances." I then proceeded to explain to him how to copy the file over to his desktop. When he was done, I told him, "Now, sir, we've already distributed that to Theater Command, so you won't be able to change it, put your name on it and take credit for it. I know that's what you were thinking."

As I was leaving, he says to me, "Specialist, just for future reference,  you probably don't want to tell a senior officer to go fuck himself. It could be detrimental to your career."

"Colonel, just for future reference, you probably want to think about what you're asking before you make an ass out of yourself in front of your subordinates"

And, I walked out and went back to my desk.